The Refusal.

What are we afraid of?

What is it that stops us from asking another anything,.

It’s quiet simple actually, refusal , the fear of refusal to be more precise

I remember my lesson on refusal clearly. Back when I was a child, I had an extreme craze for toys. The brand of hot wheels was new in the country. It was what every 10 year old yearned for. Very few kids in class actually had the entire set. Most kids had to be content with just the car.

My dad had been generous with regard to almost anything that I had ever asked. For most of the time I didn’t even have to ask, he would buy it for me. Sometimes even before I got the feeling that I wanted something, I had it. Yeah you could say that I was one of those happy kids with great dads who would spoil them with everything they could ever want.

So one fine day I decided to ask him for the new hot wheels set(which basically included a car, and a racing track to run the car). My father , like most fathers had this immense interest in the newspaper every morning, which a ten year old me could not understand, the truth is even the 20 year old me can’t understand that keen an interest in reading the newspaper. Most fathers are so engrossed in reading the newspaper that they are hardly listening to what you are saying during that time and nod their heads almost automatically, to almost anything you say. I used to use this small time period for breaking all the bad news from school and asking whatever I wanted which included signatures in my report cards , toys, eat out’s, and at a later time in my life, money.

Anyway the ten year old me , like me, was a smart kid. Very observant. I used this gap and asked him for the hot wheels toy and he gave his usual reply “hmmm..” which I could interpret as a yes and a promise that can be redeemed at any later time.

Two months passed, my toy was still not with me, I was growing impatient.  During the holidays, we were planning to visit some relatives and my dad took me along for buying some toys for the kids. I asked him if I could finally get what I wanted so badly.  “Not today Saketh, maybe next time” he said. I was growing impatient, I was losing my cool. To a child, the world is small and there are few things that could possibly attract. When children don’t get what they want, they throw a tantrum. I was no different, I made a fuss that I badly wanted the toy. But like all parents my dad was firm on what he said.

That one incident that happened almost ten years back, taught me a lesson, something small yet significant, it was something that I would remember for years later.

What was it that I learnt? To understand that , we need to understand what really hurt me that day.

Most people would tell me what appears rather obvious and deceivingly true. Most people would say that it was the fact that I did not get the toy that hit me hard. For many years of my life, I thought so too. But if we carefully observe, its not the fact that I didn’t get what I wanted that let me down. It was my dad refusing to buy me.

Let me explain

I expected my dad to buy me the toy, and more often than not, I used to get whatever I asked for. But that day when I was refused the toy, it hurt badly. I understood that being refused something from people we rely upon to deliver could hurt us very badly

Years later when my friend and I were planning on a road trip, we needed our parents’ consent for adventuring out. My friend had been postponing the task of talking to his parents, for that matter so was I. When I asked him, what it was that stopped him from talking it out with his dad, he replied “It’s not that he wouldn’t’ allow, it’s just that I am afraid that he might say no. and if does say no, it would hurt me”

Parents often give children whatever they want, sometimes even without asking. But as children grow up, and mature they stop asking their parents for everything they desire. They hide what they like and grow afraid to open up to the people who love them the most in this world, and the reason they hide themselves, their likes and dislikes, is the fact that they are afraid, afraid that their parents won’t approve of it, afraid that their parents would refuse them what they desire in their hearts.

Disapproval or refusal amounts to just one thing in the eyes of the person expecting, it makes them feel really bad, even make them regret that they even asked or sought after.

Unlike my subjects, people’s minds do not follow a pattern, they cannot be learnt, and they cannot be predicted.

But just because we are afraid of being refused, does it mean that we do not even ask? A wise man once said “if you never try, then you will never know”

Yet it’s the trying that most of us fear

Two of my close friends, both of them happened to be a few years elder to me, happened to be in a relationship. I had known these people for years now. They were always the best of friends since high school and they had been going out since college. They understood each other‘s goals, aspirations and what they desired out of life. They loved each other and were practically inseparable. Obviously like all love stories, the climax is most cases and the beginning in some, happens to be the part where they tell their parents and decide to get married.

 Unlike what they show in movies, reality too disappoints. Most of the couples live the rest of their lives trying to convince their parents, some give up and some even die trying.

Well unfortunately, I am single so I really don’t get what the hype and drama is really all about, nor am I interested in finding out. All I did know was that these two seemed happy together and they both were really good friends of mine.

One evening, my friend turns up and tells me that he is thinking of telling his parents and asked me for ideas. I told him that I neither had the knowledge on relationships nor experience to advise him and told him that I was the least qualified person on earth to help him.

He told me his fears, the fear of his parents disapproving, the fear of refusal.

I smiled. Our parents love us more than anyone in this world. They nurtured us taught us and still continue teaching us. Compared to what they know, what we know and understand is negligible. True, but there is something they taught us. They taught us to learn, learn from what you really believe in your heart, and follow that dream no matter what. And no matter how hard it may be to believe sometimes, they do desire our happiness.

That evening, I told him what I knew, “if you never try, you will never know”

Sure the fear of refusal often gets in our way. Some famous person once said “We create our own demons”. To fear something and not even try , to give up in what you really believe, to fear that you would fail or that you would be denied what you really like all amounts to one strong characteristic trait – A coward.

I say that it’s much better to fail, much better to lose, and rather to be disappointed, hurt and denied.

My friend listened quietly as I inspired him. In the end he asked me a question that I did not know the answer for. “What if they say no?” I instantaneously replied “Then god help you!”

People often need to learn to speak up, ask for what you desire and maybe even fight for it. Even a mother does not know that a child is hungry unless the child cries. If a mother cannot figure out what exactly you want, how can we expect the world to do so. It is ridiculous to think that people would pay attention and somehow figure what you have to say and spare you the effort of saying it, and would instantaneously help you get what you want

The world is made up with different people, some aggressive, some passive, some so quiet that you don’t even notice their existence. To get what we want, we need to speak up, to raise our voice, to get used to being refused and yet not give up.